hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
