Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
