im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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