if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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