Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
