I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
