Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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