On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
