who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Randomize
