I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
