So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
