my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
