I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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