Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
