I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
