when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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