when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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