I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
