That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
