After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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