last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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