I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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