Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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