So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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