It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
