I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
