I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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