is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
