I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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