Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
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