Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
