Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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