Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I'm lost and stupid without you.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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