wanna go halves on a baby?
She said her name was "party"
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
