3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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