just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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