Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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