i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
