Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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