Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
