i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
