so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
