I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Randomize
