Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
