in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
