the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
