tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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