Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
