I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
