I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
