i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
